CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
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Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Who says great literature is dead?
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”