Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
You Might Also Like
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Lmfao
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it