saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
You Might Also Like
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.