It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
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This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
My five year plan is a meteorite
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit