*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
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I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.