I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
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If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Scream sneezers need love too.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
No. YOU-buprofen.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Does beer think about me too?
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Someone just threatened to call me later
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.