[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
You Might Also Like
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
my fav colour is also hitler
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
(yawn)
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma