therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: π€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈ
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My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled βitβs like they broke up!β
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you donβt have a date, you can still have a clean house.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that βlook funnyβ behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.