[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
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Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently