been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
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A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
This forever.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.