Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
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Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
wtf is a larm clock?
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Siri, fight Alexa.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Pickled cat.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence