For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
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I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.