*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
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Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Meow
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them