Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
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DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!