Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
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[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
You got this…
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
My background check bounced.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”