When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
You Might Also Like
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Ken is short for chicken
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
only 11 steps left
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.