Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
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OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me