This will teach them to underestimate me
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I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week