[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
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plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
forgive me baja for i have blast
AM I BEING GASLIT????
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus