If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
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He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”