I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
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A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
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[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat