Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
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{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Meanwhile in Canada…
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*