Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
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Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes