*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
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*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’