[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
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*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
doing some research
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.