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I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Phew
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.