*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
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looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome