When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
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him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
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