You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
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Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms