Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
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Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
🤣🤣💀
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out