[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
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Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition