People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
You Might Also Like
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
scares
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
[watching kids make snowman]
Me: Hey honey, do you still keep that thing hidden in your dresser?
Wife: Yes…why?
Me (pointing): I don’t think that’s a carrot they used for his nose…
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.