Wise advice
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Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Fiction has to make sense.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL