You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
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She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off