I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
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Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.