Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
You Might Also Like
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
the prophecy has been fulfilled
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.