Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
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My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
time for some seasonal decor
Cucumbers Anonymous
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!