COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
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Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.