WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
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Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.