My daily affirmation
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Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Banana is the quietest snack
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes