God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
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Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.