FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
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What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
The only good comments section online is on recipes
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.