Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
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What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?