Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
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Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!