I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
You Might Also Like
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.