What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
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I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.