Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
You Might Also Like
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
spicy snake
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
first you must answer his riddles
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta