Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
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Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
I want this so bad
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”