Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
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judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.