Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
You Might Also Like
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm